Learning from my climatalogical peak.

Being Cajun accounts for quite a lot of my personality traits, hobbies, favorite past-times, but you might find it surprising to learn that even my depression is ruled by the Cajun blood that runs through my veins. Between the large amounts of deathiversaries from my family and the ending of another glorious year with Lucian I become very melancholy, at the closing of every Summer. My stormiest and darkest days oddly correlate with the climatalogical peak of the Atlantic Hurricane season.

Every August and September I spend many nights in quite contemplation, wondering if I'm making enough memories and leaving an impression on Lucian's heart. I give hours pondering my efforts in preparing him for the life that lies in front of him. I desperately seek out each memory that was shared with loved ones, hoping to understand the lesson I was meant to gleam from their moments on Earth. When a storm begins to roll in I bravely close my eyes, face the wind and silently admit that I can no longer hear their voice or see their face in my mind, and in that instant I feel them next to me.

It was just the other night when I had that special juncture with my O'ma, I let the grin wash over my face and the tears stream quickly down my cheeks. Life has been weighing heavy on my heart as of late and I just let it all rush out to her, begging for guidance. It was such a freeing moment, I went to bed so joyful. I dreamt of lighthouses for the next few nights, they were a favorite of her's so I wasn't surprised but I was a little disappointed that there was no real clarity to be found in any of them. That's when I thought maybe she's telling me to BE a lighthouse. When I said those words out loud I swear I could hear her say, "Carrie Ann, you were designed to emit light and help others navigate the rough shores of life."

To the outsider, it may seem ludicrous but my purpose is clear to me now. I can take the time I need to looking longingly at the sea, remembering the happiness it has brought me, but I must muster the strength to be seen through the darkest, storm-riddled nights. I am built to ride out life's toughest storms. I must be maintained, ready and alert for the next day's trials - ever present to help guide my people to safety.

Life is too fleeting to hesitate. - JRS

Others had left my life and heart with huge holes, regret would creep in and take hold of my head and heart for days. You and I discussed my regret occasionally; you'd heave a heavy sigh and look off, thoughtfully, into your history. You explained the urgency of life and how I'd continue to pay for the moments of hesitation. You thought that the call to action I would feel my heart give was a warning of pain, to my brain. It was reminding me of the fragility of life and allowing me the chance to heal before the real hurt would inevitably come.

I took your words to heart. I believed it would protect me from feeling the devastation of loss in the future and I guess it did, in a way. My heart is not broken from the regret of moments not taken, instead I am haunted. I now relive that moment when I looked into your eyes and said, "I'm sorry but I have to," I leaned in to kiss your cheek and I held on too long as I hugged you goodbye.

I look back at that lovely weekend we all spent together and I slightly chuckle. You were right. My heart was warning me but thankfully this time, I listened. The time at the beach is well documented with pictures that you begrudgingly allowed me to take. We all woke up too early and stayed up too late, each day that we were together. We were all present and soaking in every moment - we were all together again.

The deliciousness of all our time together made it so difficult to leave that morning. We all got into our respective vehicles and began our journey home. Playful texts were exchanged between you and Bob as he recounted the 30 mile sob-fest I engaged in, as we departed. It was proclaimed that I cried for the appropriate amount of time that morning, as you thanked us both for an amazing weekend.

Sporadically peaceful sleep eludes me now and on those early mornings I lay in bed looking up at the ceiling, crying angry tears. I'm heartbroken to live another day without you but grateful that I was paying attention. When I was presented with the chance - I kissed you one last time, I held you so close and hugged you too tight.


Thank you for that, Josh.

For the sake of replication.

On a recent road trip I was catching up on podcasts, I was listening to Episode #566 of the Art of Charm Podcast; I highly recommend checking out any and all episodes. During this installment Phillip McKernan discussed the importance of identifying the Five Happiest Days of your life, an exercise to explore your passions, by identifying the clues your life is leaving you. My interests were peaked and I became inspired to complete the exercise on my own.

He had a few tips to make sure you pick the best of the best: don't select days that you may feel obligated to pick (ie: wedding days or the birth of a child); don't get stuck on finding five, if you're able to come up with three you will still be able to learn something; and the day doesn't have to be great from start to finish - maybe there was just a moment, a touch or a kiss. McKernan then suggests to arrange the days in order of their greatness.

Upon beginning, I immediately selected two of my top five days but quickly became stingy with the remaining three spots. I have spent the last couple of days trying to whittle down my top seven days to five; I am sharing them here, in the hopes that writing them will help me identify the bread crumbs along my trail and where they could lead me.

One:
June 12, 1984 - The day my parents were married. It was a gorgeously warm summer day in South Louisiana when my parents were married on a bridge in the middle of a swampy State Park; you could feel the hope for the future in the air and positivity seemed to exuded from each guest. I was finally going to have a real family and would have a father who wanted to be my Daddy. My Great Grandmother, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and family friends all gathered under the shade of the trees to celebrate their union and surround them in our love.

Two:
Castaway Cay Day - In 2014 The Smith family went on a Disney Cruise with the family of one of my best friends from college. It was one of those rare days in life that was beautiful from sun up to sun down. I never really understood when I heard the phrase, "Living On Island Time," until this day. We relaxed by the water, played in the sun, and floated in the waves. No thoughts given to our daily lives, we were all living in the moment and it was amazing. This was the first time Cheetah had the chance to spend an entire day at a beach; the moment his feet hit the sand, he was home. He was smiling bigger, playing harder, and laughing louder than I had ever seen - he just came to life. When the day was drawing to a close and our party numbers began to dwindle, as everyone began heading back to the ship, Cheetah and I decided we would stay until the very last moment. We spent the last hour, together, in silence; sitting by the water, listening to the tide roll.

Three:
Junior/Senior Rivalry - This is an event that is part of the tradition of Mississippi University for Women, for over one hundred years now. It was the night that I was chosen by a sisterhood of dynamic, strong, and inspirational women to become a pledge of the BlackList Social Club; the top (most well-rounded) thirteen Juniors were selected as pledges. We pledges were brought together for the first time, that night. I was elated to be among the chosen, I knew that these stellar young women would become the sisters I was destined to call mine.

Four:
O'ma and O'pa's 50th wedding celebration - This was such a joy-filled day, there was a huge turn out of friends and people whose lives were touched by my grandparents; the outpouring of emotion was outrageous. Their relationship had such simple beginnings but over the years, the lives they built were big and involved more than just their families; they gave so much of themselves to others. The grandchildren performed a special skit that told their love story and celebrated all the change their marriage brought to the world. The entire extended family spent the weekend together, regaling vividly animated stories of our history.

Five:
October 29,2016 - A whirlwind trip to Memphis proved to be more than expected, I was coming to town to witness a dear friend marry the love of her life; the night was splendid.  The commitment and love the couple expressed for each other was beautifully enhanced by the promises and pledges given to them by their family and friends. As the reception commenced and old college friends assembled, it was as if no time had passed. Bathed in the light of The Levitt Shell, we laughed and danced the night away. I had felt disconnected from myself but that evening I realized that while I have more responsibilities than I did in 1996, I was still Jane and she is great.

Honorable mention:
Mardi Gras week 2013 - Tarzan and I took Cheetah to Disney World for the first time, it was just perfect. Sharing my favorite place with Cheetah and recounting memories of our Honeymoon with Tarzan fully cemented my connection to this magical place. Watching Cheetah's face light up time and time again allowed me to see the fantasy of the parks, through the eyes of a small child, which was something I hadn't had the chance to experience for myself.

This was a very revealing exercise, I was pleasantly surprised in the number of wonderful days it helped me commemorate. I have since spent time shuffling through photographs, deepening my connection with the gleeful days in my past. However, I am still working on the common denominators and clues that these Top Five/Six Happiest Days of my life have given me; but they are all rooted in great affection, filled with family and friends who compose my inner-most circle.















#2016TheYearOfTheJump


This year has been one of the best for growth and change, in my nearly 39 years

They left a legacy.

Yesterday she would have been 95; to say she was the best grandmother I could have asked for would be an injustice. She was half my heart, the snort in my laugh and the light in my eyes. Her blood runs through my veins and continues to pump life through my scarred and lonesome heart. Sure the pain is somewhat dulled but my eyes still well up, easily spilling over with the mere thought of my life without her.

The loss of her sometimes seems to overshadow the loss of O'pa but I think that's just because we helped each other through loosing him. I stayed with her for over a week after he died because I wasn't sure I would be able to breathe again, if I left their house. We spent days without talking, going through the motions. I would fix her meals and we would both pretend to eat; at night I would lie beside her and we would cry until our bodies ran out of steam. On the night before I left she admitted to staying up late the weeks he was sick, and spending hours sitting in his chair just to feel close to him and smell him; her honesty was so comforting that I admitted to sneaking into his room when my shift was over and it was someone else's turn with him, because I was afraid I would regret not being with him for every second he had remaining. That night was the first night I hadn't cried my self to sleep since the beginning of August (he died on August 18th). I still didn't want to leave the safety of their home but at least I wasn't leaving scared, she had given me hope because I still had her.






You see, my relationship with my O'ma and O'pa was anything but typical. I was blessed with a wonderful set of parents who have always done above and beyond what parents (and people) should do for me, but O'ma and O'pa were like Parents+. I spent my Summer, Winter and Spring breaks happily by their sides. In large part, I have them to thank for being able to see all 48 Continetial United States; our times in the camper, seeing America will never be forgotten. We stayed up late playing games, teasing each other, and mapping out the next day's route. We spent countless hours discussing life, love, and trials. I was given unriveled access to their stories, lives and histories; nothing was off the table, I could ask them anything. There were times when I could tell that it was a tough topic, there were many pregnant pauses and answers that began with, "It was a different time..." They told me the truth.

There were times in their past where they disappointed themselves; but as they recounted these moments, they made sure to inform me that Parents and Grandparents are people and that they make mistakes. This was probably the best information they ever game me; sure it lowered the pedestal I had placed them on, but it was vital. I was able to go back to this lesson as time marched on. I used it as a point of reference with my parents and once I became a parent; it puts things in perspective and lowers anxiety levels when considering some of the tough choices that parents have to make.

These two were good people. They showed me how to be a person, how to live my life, and how to die with dignity. The world was a better place because of them and I am a better person for having known them. This legacy that they left me, must be handled with care and put into place. I will leave this earth much better than how I found it.

Gather Your Gatekeepers

I feel better than I have in months, my smile is radiating from deep within me, this past weekend was cathartic. Many of my college friends & I gathered in Memphis to celebrate the nuptials of a very dear friend. We danced and laughed the nights away, we strolled down memory lane regaling all who would listen with stories far too colorful for the light of day. Monday, as I journeyed home with sounds of Brandi Carlile, Prince, Janis Joplin & Johnny Cash wafting through the air, it all came together. I was home.

In these smiling-tear stained faces were the women I grew up with, over time we had let life steal us away from each other. We had become disconnected and unfamiliar with what we love about ourselves, because we couldn't see it reflected back to us, the way we can we are with them. Our memories are part of us and without their reminders, it is difficult to remain whole. We must tether ourselves to one another and make our time together a priority. Our hearts and souls crave it, we long for each other because in each other, we can find the pieces of ourselves.

There are those in our lives who hold sacred our trust, friendship, and memories; they are the gatekeepers of our existence. We need each other. Life is not meant to be lived alone, it is meant to be savored together. Gather up your loved ones, near and far...don't wait too long.

After 9 years you deserve a hootenanny.

A couple of weeks ago Tarzan and I decided, on a whim, to take a vacation day from work and spend it together. After I whisked Cheetah away to school our day began with a hootenanny (check out the link), and might I say that I feel ALL vacation days should start with a hootenanny. 

We enjoyed catching up over cleaning up the garage, folding clothes, and lunching downtown.  It's easy for me to forget how effortless conversations come with Tarzan, how much I laugh at his inappropriate humor, and how safe I feel when he's near.  It was nice to bask in the glow of our young marriage and be so grateful for the time we get to be together. 

Today Tarzan and I celebrate 9 years of marriage and while some celebrate the 'big ones' like 10, 25, 50, and 75 years together, I feel that each year under our belt is an accomplishment.  I have spoken here often on marriage and how it's no ordinary walk in the park, how we need not take advantage of the one relationship where we feel the safest.  I love my marriage; it's not always filled with smiles, laughter, and copious amounts of sunshine but it's full of love, respect, and adoration.  Every day I am so thankful that I was blessed with a true partner, someone who is in it for the long haul.  For when the chips are down and the bank is low I know Tarzan will be there to stop me from betting it all on the 'river'.

from my heart to yours

I love holidays, I love nothing more than making an ordinary day extra special for the ones I care for.  I trolled pintrest and found some great ideas, and I came up with more ideas than I had time for...

I found this recipe for brown sugar blondies and knew instantly that Tarzan and Cheetah would love eating these for breakfast on Valentine's day.  I used my grandmother's heart-shaped pans, I made a batch for the boys and one for Cheetah's teacher.

When I asked Cheetah for some ideas he said, "Ms. Hue LOVES oatmeal".  I figured you can't go wrong with a heart healthy breakfast as a gift for teacher, so we packed up her gift and used the shirt box as the perfect gift wrap.  I'm sure it will make her smile.

I packed Cheetah a special lunch with heart-shaped carrots and sandwiches; along with a snack mix made with the perfect heart-shaped cereal and the Valentine M&Ms. 

I made sure that even the people Tarzan and I work with will have something special to enjoy on V-Day.  Tarzan will bring the brownies baked with M&Ms and I'll be bringing the blondies.

To top it all off, we made the cutest Valentine's for Cheetah's friends.  Of course this isn't Cheetah but what a cute idea!  Happy Valentine's Day...love to all.

a back that needed patting...

My grandmother always gave me the best advice, off the top of my head I can think of three pearls of wisdom that have helped me: the most important relationship is the one with yourself, you can never really know someone else, and when you marry it should be to someone who brings out the best in you. I am so thankful that I listened.  I am reminded daily how lucky I am to have a partner so loyal, honest, and caring.  He's my hunter, my barometer, my heart, and my space heater.

Like most people I had an idea of what I was looking for in a partner.  I had images of a two story colonial with 4 smiling children, 2 minivans parked side by side, and a husband whose ambitious career perfectly matched mine.  It has taken 33 years of life experience and 9 years in a marriage to shed some light on the sham I had envisioned so many years ago.  Don't get the wrong idea, I didn't settle.  In reality I do not live in a two story colonial and will never have 4 perfect children, God gave me an abundance of flour and I've been busy making roux.

I know beyond a doubt that Tarzan is the perfect life mate for me.  Without even a grimace he cleans up squished bugs, fresh vomit, and all unidentifiable messes.  He never shys away from explaining the most difficult words or concepts to Cheetah.  His ability to define words like sexy and explain theories like time travel in a way that a 5 year old can comprehend is astounding.  He puts his own needs and wants on the back-burner time and time again, his sacrifices are never mentioned and his back is often left patless.

I have often struggled with my self esteem but my relationship with Tarzan has changed that aspect.  The unyielding love and devotion this man has for me has helped me to see myself as he does; beautiful, strong, good, and worthy.  I have never had to ask him how he feels for me; I see it in every dish that is washed, every yard that has been mowed, every book he reads to Cheetah, and in every note he leaves for me.

I love you Tarzan.  Thank you for being more than I ever dreamed of and everything I never knew to ask for.

Wordless Wednesday

365 more days without you.

Here I sit surrounded by soggy kleenex, wet faced, and sad.  I can't believe I have survived 730 days without you.  I felt sure that with both you and Opa gone my heart would crumble and turn to dust.  With your's and Opa's 'anniversaries' being so close together the end of summer has really began to take it's toll.  I know it gets easier but I must admit it's hard, it doesn't help that I have planted my feet firmly in the ground and I have started to take 'root'.  It's as if I am taking a stand.  I have lost enough great people from my life and I am scared to move forward.  It's not that I haven't been happy, loved, or had fun; it's just that every other breath seems to get caught in my throat and tears try to well up in my eyes. 


I am so thankful that Tarzan and Cheetah had the chance to build real relationships with you, knowing you mean so much to them has helped me to mourn openly.  If a wave of emotion hits, Tarzan can truly know the great loss I am feeling.  Cheetah speaks of you regularly, and he keeps that beanie baby kitten you gave him sitting on his dresser.  It nearly kills me each time he wishes he could see your face again and give you a hug...what I wouldn't give for a chance at that myself.

You were always a constant in my life, ever present, ever loving.  One of my first soild memories of you is lying in a twin bed (with you in the one right next to mine) and talking with eachother until we fell asleep.  When I was scared you would hold my hand, and give me your glow in the dark rosary to help sooth my nerves.  The last time we talked I told you how scary it was to watch you leaving me, and you grabbed my hand and said, "I know you are scared but I can't be here just because you're scared...I did what I was suppossed to do". You were my compass, a place where I could always find my 'true north' and I fear I may be lost without you

And the award goes to...

I have a confession to make, for years I have had my acceptance speech ready for any chance that I may be able to publically thank those that mean the most to me. Since it is apparent that that I am not going to be up for any Grammy’s, Tony’s, or Oscar’s I thought I should ‘publish’ my acceptance speech.

Disclaimer: I have had to keep it as short as possible, so no exact names or situations are listed...if you'd like a shout out, let me know and I'll facebook you!  If they start playing 'the music' to get me off stage, I'm just gonna start screaming.

First of all I want to thank God for giving me this opportunity and for making it possible to recognize the people that my life has been blessed with.

Thanks to my mother for giving me a relationship that is the envy of everyone I know. You are always the 1st person I call any time life gives me lemonade or margaritas. Thank you for making the choices you did in life to give me every opportunity in the world. You truly are a wonderful person and the World’s Greatest Mother.

Dad thanks for loving me so much, it’s the one gift you gave me that I will always treasure. You have shown me that it takes more than blood to be father and daughter, how to make sacrifices for the ones you treasure, and how to live life with love and loyalty for your family. 

To my husband there are few people in this world that I can truly count on to have my back and I know that you will always be there holding up a shield, keeping me safe from harm. Thank you for always putting Cheetah and I first, for working so hard to make our dreams come true, and for loving without pretenses.

Dearest Cheetah oh how God blessed me with you.  I would have never known I could love someone as much as I love, you have helped me to grow into a mother I can be proud of.  You are so smart, loving, generous, and funny; you amaze me every day.  What a joy it is to watch you grow.

For my extended family (Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins) thank you for being part of my village and for all the love and support you have given me and my family over the years. Thank you for all the acts of sacrifice I am aware of and for the sacrifices I am not aware of. You’ve have truly helped shape me into the woman I am today.

My friends are my siblings and I thank God for the chance to add them to my family. Thank you for being Cheetah’s God parents, being his Aunts and Uncles and for being there when the chips are down and when times are good. We have all been through so much together and I love getting together with you all, sitting back reliving the good ole days and helping each other through the trials of today.

a splendid love...

I think of several times a day and I know you think of me, I can almost hear you calling for my return.  You have been there for me through it all, when I have been tired, lonely, depressed, sick, and happy.  You are there to comfort me through the stormy nights, there to offer me rest when I am exhausted, and there to put a smile on my face with your soft caress.  When I am with you I am blissful, rejuvenated, and comforted. 

Though we've been together for a while, I will never forget the first time I saw you; laid with you; and I relish all the time we get to spend together.  I know that since the birth of Cheetah our time has been cut in half and that there are times that you have to share me with him but know that those times together are some of my favorite memories.  Spending time with you is something I will always WANT to do and though I may have to replace you one day, I will always look back at these times with great fondness.

being loved by her is inspiring...

It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in the mundane details of my days and begin to loose perspective, it’s like I forget the things happen to other people.  When I am having a particularly self-pitying day I know that I can call my mom and within minutes she can have me grounded.  I have never met anyone else in the world that is that AWARE of others. 

I am not saying that the woman doesn’t ever throw her own occasional 20 minute pity parties but on the whole she knows what REAL problems are and when people need a safety net. A formally single working (2 jobs), school attending mother of a toddler always found a way to push herself just a bit more. Her life has been filled with hurdles, stints of time spent caring for ailing family members, and economic challenges. The strength that runs through her veins is astounding.


When she hears or witnesses a story she is affected, when she cares it is completely, and she loves totally. If she says that she’s praying for you, you can bet that the candles are burning and the rosary is smoking; you’ll cross her mind more frequently than she goes to the bathroom. There may be times when people take advantage of her loyalty and dedication; and there may be times when she is unable to say ‘no’; but there is something inspiring about people who knowingly put others before themselves.

From day to day it can be harder and harder to make the decision to roll out of bed and put both feet on the floor, these are the times I try my hardest to think like her.  I spend my shower time reflecting.  As I lather I think of each member of my family and my friends and try to recall something going on in their lives.  I think of school, illness, weather, pregnancies, financial woes, and mental anguish and I spend those minutes sending up prayers and considering ways I can lend a hand, shoulder, or ear.  I know over time I will become more ‘in-tune’ with the needs of those who I hold dearest and, one day I hope to hear Tarzan utter, “Gosh you sound just like your mother.”

'Taking care of business' kind of man...

Yesterday I was listening to a Chris Rock show (circa a long time ago) on my iPod and something he said really hit home: “Nobody ever thanks Daddy…I don’t mean your father, I mean the man who stays and takes care of his business…everybody thanks Mama for meals, love, and care but no one says, man I like having heat, thanks for knocking out that rent dad, I LOVE having lights…” Now I know we have Father’s Day but it’s not quite the same as saying, “thanks for choosing to wake-up EVERY day and go to work for me and my family”.

Now I, like most people in this world, had a biological father who loved my mother enough to bring me into this world but not enough to take care of his business. Almost 6 years later, I was truly blessed when God gave my mother and I both a loving man to join our family.
 

He is a man that takes CARE of his business; he worked the 3^rd shift because it paid more, he drove a P.O.S. so we could have 1 dependable car, and he was always there when the ‘better’ turned into worse and those are just a few examples.

He loved/loves us both, unconditionally.  I may not have his blood running through my veins but his love is a reason why I was able to find such a stable relationship on my own.  He gave me a reason to believe and fight for the love I deserve. 

In a world where ‘fathers’ can decide a situation is  not ideal  and run for the exit it is refreshing to find there are men like my father and step-father in-law  who not only care for other men’s children but love them and put their needs before their own.  Making a child does not make you a father nor does giving birth to a child make you a mother, any idiot can do that; I hear MTV has a show about it.  It is consciously choosing someone else’s well being before your own, loving someone more than you love yourself, and staying when the road gets rough.  Becoming a parent has not been as easy as I thought it would be; the journey has shed some light on some of the sacrifices that my daddy made for me and my mother and has shown me how much he really loves us.

The experience has also made me very thankful that I was able to find my own ‘taking care of business’ man, in Tarzan, and I make sure to let him know that I appreciate the choices he makes every day for our family.

W.O.M. Part 1 - Completed

I learned several things while I was in Texas with my bestie, the main thing being I need to get cracking on setting up that commune, little boys will have fun anywhere, and everything really is bigger in Texas.



Your spirit is bigger in Texas…

The kids are bigger in Texas…

Sometimes your hand is bigger in Texas…

Within 5 minutes of being in the same residence we were talking like we were 21 again, laughing at bad jokes, and unloading our troubles onto the table.  It was like no time had past since last we saw each other.  The difference was the loud noise coming from upstairs was from a gang of children and not unruly college girls.  We talked, laughed (a lot), cohabitated, and Melinda tried to kill me at the gym.  It was rejuvenating, cathartic, and relaxing.  It’s amazing how some people can be just the ‘shot in the arm’ that you need to put your nose to the grindstone and make some head way.   

The boys had fun learning, playing, and exploring together. They learned that even though they have different houses in different states they like the same toys, watch the same TV, and eat the same food. It was funny to hear their conversations on house rules, video game etiquette, and how one can be friends with both brothers. Although Cheetah couldn’t really get the hang of the ‘sleepover’ thing, I am sure Joe and Aaron can’t wait for his next visit.



Most importantly I was reminded of the place I hold in someone’s life, someone who is not a relative…someone who thoughtfully picked me to remain a fixture. I am so thankful for my family of friends and the village they provide for my family. I know that Cheetah enjoyed the camaraderie as well and is already planning his next trip to the Aquarium with his friends.

Looks like hearts grow bigger in Texas…