Thursday, September 15, 2011

365 more days without you.

Here I sit surrounded by soggy kleenex, wet faced, and sad.  I can't believe I have survived 730 days without you.  I felt sure that with both you and Opa gone my heart would crumble and turn to dust.  With your's and Opa's 'anniversaries' being so close together the end of summer has really began to take it's toll.  I know it gets easier but I must admit it's hard, it doesn't help that I have planted my feet firmly in the ground and I have started to take 'root'.  It's as if I am taking a stand.  I have lost enough great people from my life and I am scared to move forward.  It's not that I haven't been happy, loved, or had fun; it's just that every other breath seems to get caught in my throat and tears try to well up in my eyes. 

I am so thankful that Tarzan and Cheetah had the chance to build real relationships with you, knowing you mean so much to them has helped me to mourn openly.  If a wave of emotion hits, Tarzan can truly know the great loss I am feeling.  Cheetah speaks of you regularly, and he keeps that beanie baby kitten you gave him sitting on his dresser.  It nearly kills me each time he wishes he could see your face again and give you a hug...what I wouldn't give for a chance at that myself.

You were always a constant in my life, ever present, ever loving.  One of my first soild memories of you is lying in a twin bed (with you in the one right next to mine) and talking with eachother until we fell asleep.  When I was scared you would hold my hand, and give me your glow in the dark rosary to help sooth my nerves.  The last time we talked I told you how scary it was to watch you leaving me, and you grabbed my hand and said, "I know you are scared but I can't be here just because you're scared...I did what I was suppossed to do". You were my compass, a place where I could always find my 'true north' and I fear I may be lost without you

Wednesday, September 14, 2011