Sunday, October 21, 2012

Camaraderie is the anecdote.

Some friends and I signed up to participate in a local Warrior Dash.  I was nervous that my body would be unable to meet the physical needs the race would demand and I would lie wasted in chest deep mud.  I was correct, the race did demand a lot of my jiggly body but surprisingly this sack of bones was up for a bit more than I bargained for.  There was a great deal of bargaining and begging on my part, after a mile I was more than ready to be rid of the knee deep mud.  The teetering traverse and a collection of walls nearly claimed me but through tears and cheers I pressed on. 
My fear of falling almost proved too much for me to bear, I was gasping for air and my eyes could only see bright white light.  I was sacred out of my wits, my body was giving up on me, and then I heard it..."you've got this Jane, only 5 more feet to go".  Sobbing I sat down and scooted my rear across the remaining 5 feet, all the time hearing "almost there, keep breathing, don't look down".
Obviously my fears range in their severity and intensity and during these past few weeks I have enjoyed their physical effects on my body.  After each obstacle I faced I grew giddy, I found energy I thought I had lost over a mile back.  It was invigorating.

Fears my be poison to ambition but camaraderie is the anecdote.

Fear #15 Walking into a break-in at my home.
Fear #16 Warrior Dash.
Fear #17 I won't lose anymore weight.
Fear #18:  While alone in the house, I am showering and I hear the dog barking.  In shear panic I have to access my surroundings for weapons.
Fear #19:  While alone in the house I begin choking on my medicine.
Fear #20  That Shihan will teach a class in my dojo.
Fear #21  I won't live up to my expectations. 

Friday, October 12, 2012

growth spurt

I am beginning to think that maybe I am not really scared of failure, maybe I am scared of success.  I know the idea is strange but with success change seems to quickly follow.  Although change is inevitable and change is good, it is still change.  Transformations bring feelings of awkwardness, inadequacy, and growth.  I believe I may be having a growth spurt.


Fear #8:  I may have made choices in my life that have kept me from being something grand.

Fear #9:  I am scared of possibly becoming a widow.

Fear #10:  Riding through town with my windows down, enjoying the nighttime breeze, will lead to me me being carjacked.

Fear #11:  That there will be a house fire and I can't get everyone out.

Fear #12:  Roaches or spiders may climb on me in my bed and lay eggs in my hair or ears.

Fear #13:  I have an irrational fear of dentists and dentistry.

Fear #14:  I am terrified of failing my black belt test, and yes I am aware that it is at least 3 years away.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


Since I have started this 'Black Belt Journey' I have realized how fearful I really am.  It seems that it really is the only thing that is standing in my way.  There are days where the fear of never being able to pass the test for black belt actually prevents me from doing my best at the dojo.  I really need to get a handle on this before it thwarts me from achieving something that could mean so much for me.  Years ago my mother taught me that when a task seems insurmountable you should break it into parts, make it seem smaller.  Since fear is such a big part of my life I have decided to try to be candid about my uncertainties and take some at a time.

Each day I will state a fear that has plagued me that day however small, scary, big, or funny.  At night as I lie in bed I'll marinate on it and see how I let that fear dictate my actions and hopefully through a microscope it won't seem all that daunting.

Fear #1: The very moment that I cross under my awning is also the very moment that the gecko can no longer hold on for dear life.

Fear #2: The feeling of something crawling on my foot in the car really is a bug that Cheetah forgot about in the car.

Fear #3: That Cheetah will never have the chance to grow up.

Fear #4: I will never reach my fitness goals.

Fear #5: I am afraid that I will be attacked and will not be able to protect myself or survive.

Fear #6: That I may pee on myself, in the dojo, due to tons of jumping-jacks.

Fear #7: That my husband secretly steps on the bathmat while wearing shoes.