Thursday, September 16, 2010

I'm the one left gasping for air.

To help mark the past 365 days without my wonderful grandmother, I wanted to re-post something I wrote to help ease the pain of her last few weeks with us. On most days the pain is dull but there are others where the hurt engulfs me and I sob, gasping for air. Of course I have felt this saddness before, it's different this time knowing how much her being gone really changes things for me.

As I sit here watching you "rest" I can not believe how fast time has flown. I am amazed how I still feel instantly comforted by merely being in your presence...I doubt that connection will ever really go away. You are my peace, my love, my strength...myself lies somewhere in your beating heart. Will I lose it when you are no longer there to make it beat?

For my nearly 31 years on this earth I have considered you and Pop as my home, my reference point. Will I feel utterly lost when you are no longer here?

The constant gurgling of the oxygen machine that breaths air into your tired lungs is almost haunting. I just can't believe that it is you lying in that bed. If I close my eyes I hear you laughing, reading to me, teaching me, loving me. I am blessed knowing that you truly know everything about me (the good, bad, and ugly) and you have never judged me or stopped loving me. You have shown me how to be a good mother and grandmother, giving love unconditionally. Your tired broken body stands as proof that you didn't merely live your gave your life to show others how to live and love.

You are etched in my brain and will forever reside in my heart.

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