365 more days without you.

Here I sit surrounded by soggy kleenex, wet faced, and sad.  I can't believe I have survived 730 days without you.  I felt sure that with both you and Opa gone my heart would crumble and turn to dust.  With your's and Opa's 'anniversaries' being so close together the end of summer has really began to take it's toll.  I know it gets easier but I must admit it's hard, it doesn't help that I have planted my feet firmly in the ground and I have started to take 'root'.  It's as if I am taking a stand.  I have lost enough great people from my life and I am scared to move forward.  It's not that I haven't been happy, loved, or had fun; it's just that every other breath seems to get caught in my throat and tears try to well up in my eyes. 


I am so thankful that Tarzan and Cheetah had the chance to build real relationships with you, knowing you mean so much to them has helped me to mourn openly.  If a wave of emotion hits, Tarzan can truly know the great loss I am feeling.  Cheetah speaks of you regularly, and he keeps that beanie baby kitten you gave him sitting on his dresser.  It nearly kills me each time he wishes he could see your face again and give you a hug...what I wouldn't give for a chance at that myself.

You were always a constant in my life, ever present, ever loving.  One of my first soild memories of you is lying in a twin bed (with you in the one right next to mine) and talking with eachother until we fell asleep.  When I was scared you would hold my hand, and give me your glow in the dark rosary to help sooth my nerves.  The last time we talked I told you how scary it was to watch you leaving me, and you grabbed my hand and said, "I know you are scared but I can't be here just because you're scared...I did what I was suppossed to do". You were my compass, a place where I could always find my 'true north' and I fear I may be lost without you

Wordless Wednesday - Keep Praying

My Brother

My Cousin 

The beginning of goodbye.

Once Cheetah reached the toddler stage we began making preparations for his entry into school.  We drilled him on numbers, colors, and shapes.  We worked with them for weeks on memorizing addresses, phone numbers, and names.  We went shopping for supplies, uniforms, and snacks while using every spare moment as chance to 'teach'.  Tarzan even instructed him on wiping, grooming, and belts.  We answered question after question while explaining life's most difficult quandaries but we brushed over one important situation.  The Goodbye.

We know how we feel; our hearts are so heavy, sad at the sight of him in his uniform, and wanting to wait a bit longer to be sure he's ready.  But what's going on in his head as he heads out into uncharted territory?  How foreign to be dropped off at the door, no one to hoover and remind him to work, who will help open the ketchup, will the new person in his life know what to do if he pukes? 

As the car approaches the morning drop-off lane, my heart plummets deep in my stomach, just waiting for his inevitable tears.  As they begin to fall down his sweet face and he begs for 'just one more kiss' I know he must feel what I do, the beginning of 'goodbye'...

Just text me...

I have heard people argue that the text message is impersonal and has done damage to the social communication of our teenagers and young adults but I disagree. It’s not intrusive, you can answer when it’s best for you, and most of the small talk is eliminated. There have been many times when it has helped me avoid long phone calls and helped me get information effortlessly. Most importantly it has helped me stay connected to family and friends on a daily basis.

Last week I was going through friendship withdrawals. I was so lonesome for my friends and I wanted nothing more than to have us all gathered around the table enjoying drinks, laughs, and lots of quality time. It was my turn to have a night out while Tarzan wrangled Cheetah in for a bath and hours of the Power Rangers so I headed to one of my favorite restaurants for a fun meal with my friends. Now that I had kid-free time I needed to figure out how I could get them all ‘there’ with me at once.

I decided to send an ‘under cover text’ implying that I was in need of some blog topics and the guests started rolling in. We sat across from each other unloading worries, anger, stress, and some of the funniest stories I had heard in days. When I closed my eyes I could hear their laughter and see their smiles. It was a huge comfort to know that so many of us were living the same daily time line and still feeling inadequate no matter how hard we were trying to push past it all. I laughed out loud on several occasions and even teared up a time or two. As my inbox filled up my heart began to feel lighter and I had to fight the impulse to hug my cell-phone. To the other diners it may have looked like I was dining alone but I was surrounded by my closest friends.

After that wonderful dinner with my inner circle I must argue that the text message isn’t impersonal at all. You make it what it is and to me it is glue that helps me keep ‘it’ together.

Wordless Wednesday

Addressing the nation of 'rubber neckers':

While Cheetah was off having one helluva vacation with his grandparents, Tarzan and I were enjoying a great 13 ‘kid-free’ days. I had planned on writing a post on revitalized relationships and the importance of couple time in sustaining a marriage, then tragedy struck. There was a terrible house fire in our neighborhood, it was horrifying. Hearing the muffled booms and sizzles was terrible but not nearly as disturbing as watching the excitement on the faces of some of our neighbors.

It was sickening seeing people load up their wagons with pajama donned children, snacks, and smiles.  I was appalled when a neighbor smiled and exclaimed, “And y’all haven’t even been here a year and you are getting to see all this excitement!” Really, excitement?!?! At this point she doesn’t even know if the people are OUT of the house let alone the fact that presently someone’s WHOLE world is crashing down in front of their faces. They have lost EVERYTHING and there she goes barreling down the road with a smile on her face and her 3 year old in her arms. If there had been an explosion or God forbid a body, would she have wanted her child so close to the action then? Where is our respect and civility for our neighbors? If it was happening TO you would you want the whole neighborhood gathered to watch your life slowly unravel?

Being bombarded with reality shows on every television channel has produced a society of ‘rubber neckers’. We creep by accidents on roadways and chase ambulances hoping for just a glimpse into someone’s tragedy. It’s disgusting. We are so removed from life and empathy that we are unable to relate real life experiences to actual people. Instead of believing that what we see on television is real we have forgotten that these experiences that we witness are indeed REAL and are happening to REAL people.

If there is a fire or accident the last place I want to be is in the middle of it all; you risk the safety of yourself and your family and you may impede the swiftness of a rescue. I was glad to see that there were a few people who (like Tarzan and I) who stood in their driveways teary eyed, sending up prayers of protection and love to the family. We knew the best thing we could do was to stay out of the way and be there in support hoping that like a phoenix this family would be able to rise up from the ashes renewed, together, and alive.

Food for thought...

As I have stated in the past holidays were always important in my childhood home, and my mother would always pull out all the stops to ensure that they were memorable and that we took time to celebrate the importance of family and love.  On the ‘federal’ holidays my dad always tried to convey the importance of every life that was lived or lost for our country’s benefit.  

My parents always drove home the importance of being aware of the rest of the world. Education was key, they wanted me to know that there was more in the world then what was just outside my door. I was taught that as a citizen it was my responsibility to stay informed of current events for our state, country, and the world; the news was used as a teaching tool to develop empathy for others and of how life may be for them. By far this is the best thing that I learned from my parents, it is a lesson that I use daily.

We are all reminded to live life to the fullest because you never know when it will be your last but how do you live in a constant state of fear? When I hear fireworks, gun shots, or screaming I am reminded that there are countries that are currently war torn and families that are being caught up in the crossfire. I try to imagine how stressful it must be to try to raise a family during these terrifying times; how do you keep things routine when every minute you have together is potentially fatal? I am so thankful that I can give my child a ‘care free’ childhood similar to the one my parents worked so hard to maintain.

When going to the grocery, I prefer to go alone, not only to save me from the constant ‘can I have’s’ and ‘I never get’s’ but to truly use this time to be appreciative. As I walk down countless aisles of food and supplies I am reminded that there are villages of people that do not even have a corner store for miles; and the stores they have don’t have an aisle just for shampoo. Occasionally walking the aisles of stores can bring my mood down, it’s a bit daunting when you see all the things that you cannot buy for your family. Then I will see a cart that is barely filled and over hear parents discuss skipping lunch for the week so they can buy the 2 gallons of milk their children need for breakfast. I realize while I may not be able to buy my family everything they want; I CAN feed them, put clothes on their backs, and buy their medicine.

We have a way of life that most people don’t get to enjoy and it is hard to imagine a life unlike your own. I implore you though to stop and think every time you fill your cart or watch fireworks that somewhere not so far from here, someone lives a much more stressful existence.